Movie Review – Train (2008)

With a brutal opening sequence of graphic dismemberment, Train (2008) begins on an unwavering track aimed to please gorehounds and fans of films like Hostel (2005). Directed and written by Gideon Raff, and starring Thora Birch, Train was originally set to be a remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis slasher Terror Train (1980), but evolved, if one can accurately ascribe that term to this film, into an original story.

Through numerous logical failures, an absurd script, and incredibly stupid characters who continually throw away their weapons to keep the film’s running time longer, Train is slowly derailed. Case in point: three wrestlers with an axe can’t overcome one guy, and their attempt is so halfhearted you actually want to root for their attacker. That these characters are strong athletes in a physically demanding sport seems forgotten by the filmmakers until the final battle, which is among the most ridiculous I have seen. Add to all of this Thora Birch, who I had expected to be the highlight, giving a performance where she seems incapable of expressing either fear or compassion and instead walks through the movie as though in a bored, stone-faced daze. Impressive practical effects, unfortunately, cannot mask the film’s many, many shortcomings.

Grade: D-

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